Lets Get Personal

-----This friend recently removed me from his life because of my pro Trump and pro military views. I never argued with him over politics. I told him straight up that I do not agree with his liberal life, but I am not going to fight him over it. I really try to keep away from topics that start conflict like politics, race, religion, sexuality, and what they put in their body. I have views that can seem super dark but I don't want to argue or change someone's mind to think like me. I see people are happy even if what they do makes me cringe and goes against what I think. A good example is I follow Luciferianism which is the following of light in it's true mythological meaning, but I don't pressure my friends or girlfriend to convert. I tell my friend Alex to stay being Mormon because that I where I see him thrive and what keeps him happy.

I have taken the time to study origins and translate into a basic language that I can understand of belief systems. Everything that makes us, us, is based on belief. Everything, how I see it, can be traced back to thousands of belief stems. Belief is complex and the list of things goes on and on and these beliefs are what is behind every single action and thought that we have. I do wish my Mormon mom could understand my understanding and what all I checked and rechecked to come to the conclusion that I am a Luciferian. There are a ton of documents out there and the internet, and to me, makes it difficult to find the truth on the subject. I finally found what I was looking for. I was on the hunt for a belief system, group of people who follow Lucifer as the original Greeks did way back in the day. The people that still follow and believe in what we call the mythology. I knew that someone somewhere believes that these beings are no myth. I was not looking for the dark side. As much as my inner psycho comes out from time to time I in my heart do not see that path as right to follow. Other Schizo-Actives may, but I am after the light. I know the difference like I do of hot and cold. When something feels so hot that it feels cold you have to track back the origin of those actions and thoughts. There are many out there who become so lost in themselves that the darkness, all the bad things that they do is good. It is sad. I know the difference and how to analyze. I can bring myself back to Reality like I've done so many times before.

I am after the Light because it is socially acceptable. This light can come from many places yet it can become deceiving because of the beliefs that you follow. I have stayed in social isolation for a few years now. I have internet based friends, but very few that I let close to me in person. I made the mistake in school to even talk to the really hot feeling cold students. Family has a big impact on a person's beliefs. I have learned to be very selective of the people and vibes I surround myself with. I only have three local friends. My girlfriend Ranae, my good friend Alex, and an old co-worker named Tim. Being isolated is a choice. I am good with people but I am keeping from inspiring my inner psycho. I really do not want to feed it by making unhealthy relationships. My mind comes first before everything else. I have very strict standards that I keep for myself and the people I surround myself with. Alex told me that he looks up to me and he is trying really hard to stay in the position that I want him at. I know for a fact that he will stay happy and successful living this standard and it is not far off from the Mormon standard he already knows. I am against Mormonism in every way, but it is where I have seen him happiest and most successful. He still has his mind and faith and that is success. We all have troubles through life. I have not accomplished much in my life, but I still have my mind. I have to thank the medications. They just about change my personality. I do not feel like one of the others.

All through my school years I struggled with learning new things and it really started to make sense on why. It was because I was more occupied on the things in my mind and my dreams. I have had these problems all my life and coping without treatment in school came easy once I hit my junior year. 4 years before my first hallucination, but I was on top. I had a few falling out moments and admitted myself to the psych ward every time. Drove the 45 minutes to post whenever I felt off. If I ever have to go through a medication change I am admitting myself again for safety. I have not seen my full side for almost 4 years and if I do I want it to be in a safe place away from others. I want to be isolated till it is controlled and managed.

Just telling you all this really makes it feel that I am one of a few that feel this way. I will get onto Whisper from time to time and read how others with this are giving up, flushing their meds, or truly think that it is okay to be like this. It makes me feel a lot better to get this out too. I was told all my life not to let anyone know about my mental statuses, but because of it I have created some really cool things. I only harness it for inspiration. I really think that if I did not carry this genetic curse I would not have gotten where I am today sound wise. Speaking of genetics this should make people feel even better. I went under the laser and became fixed. I am unable to reproduce and pass this on. It was pretty easy to convince the doctors. "So I was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia and I really do not want to pass this on." two weeks later I got lasered. Best feeling in the world especially if you don't like kids anyways. haha.

Well I am going to go. I have house things to do, maybe some Minecraft, and later writing on Tethys. I hope that you liked this post and keep trucking.

You're friend,
Rane





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