I hate holidays

I hate holidays. So many people, most of them strangers. I don't like kids at all with no room for exceptions. Earlier today there were 8 kids plus the adults that act like kids. Super small house. Social anxiety kills me inside. Especially when your ex shows up, who is now related to me, shows up and doesn't say at least "hi" or break into conversation. It has been years since us and if she is the one to start it then I will talk and be social.
Holidays just piss me off. When I first walked into my brother's house where the feast was I smelled trash and oven baked bread. I took a few steps in before blacking out for 3 seconds or so. Long enough for my parents to notice and ask. I try to avoid things that cause it like children and related things, fights, or being in a conversation that covers killing people both serious and a joke. I say serious because I really believe that my brother has what I have, who covers shooting people for sport and my mind doesn't care if he is joking or not, I will have a brief blackout and change of mind. I start to think like him and get excited for a short while till I realize what happened, then I back out to try to get my mind back to weird wacky stuff. Smoking doesn't help when I'm in that zone. It only helps for a few things. I avoid my brother because of this. It is not a healthy environment for his wife and two kids either.

I still have not found a worst holiday than Easter. Historically it is warped. People just felt left out of out the pagan society with bunnies laying eggs. They had to make their own spin on it. It is that way for the Christian holidays. I can't think past the imposters and social headaches. Tradition imposters and ex girlfriends.

I get pretty pissy in social situations. I more of enjoy the one on one hangouts.

I have yet to enjoy my thanksgiving. I stuck around my parents this afternoon because they are just as antisocial as I. Something possibly good came out of lunch was asking my dad if he could possibly "forget" to charge me rent this coming month so I may upgrade to an Xbox One something.

It is far more calming at my girlfriend's parent's house. Downgraded to just two rats. Almost feeding time. Started to get some acid in my throat.


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